Sunday, October 17, 2010

Being seen to be seen

We went to church yesterday. It was nice to see everyone again. We had agreed to give Jen a ride home, but my new car had a flat tyre. Hmm. Kinda annoying to be honest. We had to wait for RACQ (road side assistance) to change the tyre. I soo wasn't going to change it, and neither was Giselle. Pffft. We didn't have to wait too long. It was all sorted soon enough.

The little incident, however, had me thinking. See, it's one thing to be "noticed" or "clocked" or whatever. It's very unnerving. And I don't know sometimes when someone looks at me, what's actually happening behind their eyes, so to speak. I mean, have they "figured it out", have they figured me out? Or are they just noticing a rather tall girl. So there is that whole "thing" to deal with. But on the flip side of that coin, and I know as soon as I say this, I admit that there is just no pleasing some people .... but .... when you're standing there, and a guy is changing your tyre, and he's not noticing you .... Well, that's annoying too. In a different way.

And, let me add, really NOT looking to go there at all. I'm not wanting male attention so that I can take it to the next level. Nope ... not at all. I am happily with my Darling. I truly couldn't imagine a more amazing relationship. It's just funny, that I find myself in a dilemna. I don't want to be noticed, but then I do. But then, if I am noticed, I'll never know if it's cos I look nice, or cos I look suspiciously like a guy in a dress. Hmm.

It probably really just underlines the whole concept of being comfortable in my own skin. And I think that's where I am at. For a long time, I wanted to almost "disappear" into a female persona. I wanted to cover myself up, so that none of my "maleness" could be seen. I wanted to look like "Jane average Girl". And I thought the pathway to achieving that was to "cover up" who I was.

I have come to discover at 41 years of age, that it's not about covering up, and hiding as it were. That's not what this journey is for me. It's about revealing who I am from the inside. I am a woman on the inside. I don't understand how that happened exactly. I really don't. It's definitely not something that I can change though. It is who I am. Fundamentally, and intrinsically, I am this person. I am female. I can cover that part of me up and be male, but underneath, I am female.

So, to become who I am, to travel on this journey to self acknowledgement and acceptance, I have discovered that it's a journey of revelation, not of covering up. It's not about hiding the "maleness" that is on the surface of my persona, but it truly is about letting my "female-ness" shine through. And I have to say, I never thought that was how this worked. Another one of those paradigm shift things I guess.