Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Travelling Partners

I want to record my journey. Maybe that's why journey and journal are similar words. I am on this journey and it feels incredibly right (scary at times, but very right).

I think that a discovery of ourselves is strongly linked not only to who we are when no one is looking, but also who we are when we are in the company of the ones that we love.

I believe that those closest to us "reflect us back to ourselves", both the good and the bad. But sometimes that reflection doesn't "feel" right, or isn't congruent to who we believe we are on the inside. And that is especially true for one who is TG. BUT, having said that, there can also exist an incredibly rare situation, when we meet someone who not only sees us for who we are, but also truly "sees us" and "gets us", and "accepts us". And the reflection that they reflect back to us is breathtaking.

This is a journey ... my journey. And I am so blessed beyond all of my comprehension to be on this journey with such a beautiful person. Giselle sees me. And she accepts me. And the person that I see in her reflection of me, inspires me. Thankyou for being on this journey with me, my Darling.

Some things we can quit

For a considerable amount of time, and certainly more years than I care to admit, I considered my being TG a form of addiction, of a sexual nature. I remember countless times of trying to "quit" and trying to "ween" myself off this, but I was never successful ... obviously.

I read, and re-read, books about addictions, and looked at websites, and tried the "methodologies" of the Twelve Steps. And when I came to the conclusion after years of thinking about it in this way, I felt a failure. I surrendered.

I had heard of people quitting different things, and wondered at their "will power" or their "support network". They were my heroes. Even now, I have a friend from my childhood, who lives a long way away from me who is quitting smoking. And he has successfully not had a cigarette for over 50 days now. And I marvel at that.

Being a Christian (of sorts ... still trying to figure that one out in the light of all of this) I believe that no matter how "good" we are, how "strong" we are, God always has a deep end that is beyond us. And furthermore, that is usually where He will take us. And that is why the words of the serentiy prayer hold such value. Give us the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change, give us courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

And that's where I am right now. I am looking for that wisdom. I have unsucessfully tried to change the fact that I am TG. Now, I am looking for the courage to change my gender, because I believe that to be the truth. I cannot change my dysphoria, and for that I require serenity to accept it. I can change my gender, and for that I require courage. That is the wisdom I have come to.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Roads of Avoidance

"A person often meets their destiny, on the road they took to avoid it.” - Jean de La Fontaine

As much as I have tried to avoid "this", "this girl's life", I think it might actually be my destiny. I have tried many roads of avoidance, but none have worked. And I have exhausted my avenues. I mean, how many roads must we try before we admit that the destination that we keep coming to is the one, is not just the destination, but the destiny?

And to be honest, that's only the half of it I guess. There is obviously a part of me that is "over the moon". I mean, if the "girl inside" finally has a chance to be free, and to express herself freely, then obviously "SHE" would be over the moon.

And yes, by saying that, I AM saying that I am transgendered. It's a fact of life. It's a fact of MY life. Ironically I guess I have suspected it for soooo long, and I have flirted with it, and run from it. But now it's possibly time to "embrace it". And that is what I am doing.

So, this "Girl" inside, or in other words, ME, is finally beginning to see who I really am.

Monday, February 22, 2010

A Journey starts with ...

I have been on this journey for so long. In fact, I can't remember a time when I wasn't on this journey. I am this journey, or this journey is me. And that's a lot to say, let me tell you.

It's taken me soo long to admit that to myself. I have both wanted it, and despised it.

But here I am ...