Sunday, January 30, 2011

A Place of No Choices

I sometimes wonder 'what's a good reason to share my story?' Especially if it feels somewhat like a story of failure, or brokeness, or incompleteness. And when I say that, I don't mean completely. For the most part, I am incredibly happy. I have someone in my life that sees me as I feel like I really am and for the first time in my life, that is incredible.

I am truly figuring this all out as I go along. I have made my share of mistakes. Sometimes I think it's more than my share, but who's counting? When searching for answers, we look until we either find the right answer, or simply exhaust all the wrong ones. I'm out of trying answers to "solve this condition" that I suffer from. I honestly don't see any answers that I haven't honestly tried in some form or another. And then there's not just me, there are others who share my journey. And they have tried their share of answers as well ... to no avail.

When faced with a situation where there is truly no choice, and no way forward, what do we do? I can liken my experience to that of a roller coaster: the rides in progress, and there is no getting off until it's done. I know that sounds fatalistic, but to me it's more about acceptance. I have come to accept this journey that I am on. I don't always like it. I wouldn't have chosen this path for myself. Not in a million years. It's far too hurtful and destructive.

Coming out of Egypt, and hemmed in on every side with the Red Sea the only way forward, which in the moment, seemed like no way forward at all, Israel faced a situation where there was no choice. There was no palatable choice. And to be honest, I am sure they wondered how they even had got there ... they seemed to say a lot 'we've been brought out of egypt for this??'

And yet, the way forward for them, when it finally arrived, when their focus was finally on the large body of water before them, was to move into something that was "wrong". It was wrong except that God had said that it was right. It went beyond what was normal, and beyond what was safe. It was a place of "No choices".

And that's where I am at ... after many years, and countless attempts to avoid this course, this way forward, I realise that the 'body of water' that seemed impossible, and incredibly uninviting, is my way forward. And through that passage, somehow, I am hoping to find a 'baptism' into something new.

My God will hear me" (Micah 7:7).