Saturday, March 2, 2013

I'm not quite there yet

We are already into the third month of 2013.  I have been fulltime for over a year now.  Wow ... that has really flown.  And I think the thing that has surprised the most is how "normal" everything feels.  I don't think I was ready for that!

So why the subject line?  Not quite there yet.  It has to do with a devotion that I read today, and one that I read on Friday.  The first one from Watchman Nee's devotions talked about how Abram had settled in Haran but God wanted him to keep moving on, and that he hadn't actually reached the land that He had intended for Him.  The second was a quote from Ecclesiastes that read in paraphrase, "There is no straightening out something that God has made crooked."

What do they both mean to me?  Well, I guess I think I shared once that I felt like God had called me to  server Him, and I have certainly prayed that He would use me.  And I feel like for where I am at now, I am in Haran.  Apparently there was nothing recorded about Abram while he was in Haran.  And that's how I feel.  I feel like in many ways, there is not much that is coming out of my life at the moment.

The truth is, I have wanted God to take me to new places.  I have prayed that for decades.  In many ways this "stop over" has not been of my doing.  At least I can't see that it is.  My problem is that I don't know the way to "the land that God would show me".  I have no idea how to get there.  And I don't really know why I am "here".  And not that where I am is a bad place.  It's so not a bad place.  I haven't been happier in my life.  I feel like for the first time, in a long time, and possibly forever, I finally have a home.  And I finally feel at home in my own skin.  And that is amazing.

And yet, there is something that is leading me onward.  There is something that, deep within me, I feel like I am restless.  I feel like there is a purpose within me that has gone unfulfilled to this point.  I desperately want to find rest, but this feeling is stopping me.  I am at His Mercy and His Timing.  I can do nothing else.

So that is where I am at.  I am a transsexual.  I am comfortable in my own skin and I know this is a part, a very big part, of who I am.  But I know there is more.