Monday, August 19, 2013

Three Weeks Tomorrow

Three weeks tomorrow.  How that does feel?  Surprisingly, it feels very peaceful.  I think I am ready for this.  I don't mean to "wish away" the next three weeks either, I will be happy to stay seated for the entire "ride".

In November of last year, Leigh Neighbour who is the minister of Metropolitan Community Church in Brisbane asked me to speak about Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I remember speaking about what it's like to be transgender, and how that feels, and the struggles that we face, and the dangers as well.  After all, that's what it's about.  It's about remembering those who have not survived this journey for whatever reason.  Tragically there are those who are taken from us violently.  Murdered just for being themselves.  And then there are those that we lose because this journey is too difficult.  And truly there is no judgement there.  There but for the grace of God.

Yesterday, though, was different.  Someone I know through the internet, a friend, posted their "final video" on youtube.  At first I wasn't sure what they meant.  I thought that perhaps this person was just stopping their channel.  And that would have been tragic in itself.  But this friend meant differently.  My heart immediately broke and my blood ran cold.  I was stunned.  I saw her post a mere 15 minutes after she posted.

We do live in a community.  And we are affected by each other.  We each have our own significance and weight in each others lives.  The internet brings us together in ways that are mind blowing, and yet it can also still leave us isolated geographically.  Sometimes it's not enough to use words, we want to be "there" for a person.  And yet we can't.  We have to sit and wait, powerless to do anything.  And that's hard.

I hope this girl will be okay.  She didn't end up taking her own life, but I believe her when she said that it was her intention to.  I hope that she can find something to hold on to in this world.  I guess I say that selfishly too.  I want her to stay because I appreciate who she is.  I would never judge her though if she wanted to go home.  I would just be incredibly sad and again reminded of how difficult this journey is.

All that said, I wouldn't trade anything for being a part of this community.  To quote a wise man, "I love my tribe".  I love who I am.  I love this community.

Friday, August 9, 2013

My Identification with the Female

Okay so this is what I have been thinking about.  And I'm trying to figure out why this has come to the forefront of my consciousness.

Here is the question that I have been mulling over:  Is my identification with "the female" more about an emotional connection or a physical connection?  And when I say "the female", if it's not obvious what I mean is everything in me that resonates and relates to being female.

I am sure ultimately it's both, and possibly even spiritual as well.  But is one connection stronger than the other?  At first contemplation I would have to say it's definitely emotional.  I mean I feel significantly emotionally connected to being female.  It means a lot to me to have those kind of relationships that are typically more female.  I love the kind of communication styles of women when they are relating to other women, especially close friends.  And I love being a part of that.  I find fulfilment in my relationships when I am perceived as a woman, as female.

But there is a physical aspect as well.  I know physically I want to look female.  But I think perhaps that desire to look female is more about achieving that sense of emotional connection.  It's significantly harder to convince people you are a woman on the inside if you don't look that way externally.  When I wasn't dressed as Cindy in the early days, I had difficulty believing i was female internally and emotionally.  Looking back I know that I was, but when I didn't see it in my own reflection I couldn't bring that expectation to other people to see me that way.

So perhaps my physical identification with being a woman is more about achieving that emotional identification with myself and those around me.  It's important for me to be seen and perceived and reflected as female.

There are other aspects of physical identification that are significant for me.  One of them involves the surgery that is coming up.  I mean if it wasn't important I wouldn't be subjecting myself to that, but I am.  It is important to me.  And interestingly I won't be seen by many at that degree as female.  There of course will be my lovely amazing wife Giselle, and perhaps a doctor or two.  But ultimately it will be a physical marker that will be righted that very few will appreciate or see.  But it's still important to me.  It's important because I want that emotional connection.

I'm thinking about this now because I am facing the surgery which has brought the idea of that physical identification onto my radar as it were.

So that's just what I have been thinking about ...