Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Little Engine That Could

I was worried that I hadn't written in here for a while, and after checking, it's been just under a month. I guess that's okay. It's been busy, and so much has happened. Nothing gender-specific mind you, just life in general.

So what has happened? Well, last month we travelled to sydney for a weekend. We saw George Michael in concert, and went to the Mardi Gras (though that was dissapointing cos all we saw were straight people!!??), and we went to Manly, and hung around in the city, and had lunch in the Rocks. It was soo nice.

Oh, and I have been to church a bit more this year, as Cindy. We go to the Metropolitan Community Church here in Brissie, and it's nice. The people are soo lovely. It's nice to be out a bit more.

So, what's been going on in my mind and heart? Hmm. Good question. I wonder sometimes if I avoid this journey. It's almost subconcious, but sometimes life gets so busy that I find myself doing everything but "tending to this issue". And you know what, I am actually somehow happy in that, distracted in that. Which is weird, cos this whole condition is very much like a toothache. I have thought that a lot. It just keeps getting worse, and at some point you can't avoid it any longer. You have to go to the dentist. And I guess that is what I am doing. I mean, I have been in therapy for over 4 years. I started in December of 2005. I think it was December 20th. And while there was a little while, maybe about 3 months or so, when I didn't go back in 2006, I have been to every appointment other than that.

But in saying all that, I haven't transitioned. The timing just isn't right. But then the timing of a tooth ache is never right. And in that scenario, you just have to put everything else down and have it seen to. And yet, at this point, somehow I have managed to "deal with this pain" enough that I can slow down.

My psych thinks that the slower journey is the better journey. I hope so, cos that seems to be the journey that I am on for sure. I'm not setting any land speed records on this one. I am the little engine that could I think. Who knows, maybe I might even use that as a title to a book about this journey one day. After all, we can never have enough biographies about this kind of thing.

So that's where I am at. I am in a holding pattern. I am waiting for work and other circumstances to open up so that if I do indeed do this, it will be a measured response to this condition. And maybe that's a part of it to. I am managing myself in this condition. I get that the management is temporary, but that is what I am doing.

And for now, that is enough.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Searching for Peace

I have realized something over the last few days. The thing is, I don't know where this journey of mine is going to end up. I really can't say for sure. I could end up transitioning, I mean I am heading in that direction. I have been on hormones for quite some time, and I have been under psych supervision for, wow, just over 4 years. So that is significant. And yet, I still don't know.

In case anyone reading this is wondering, yes, I am taking the more passive approach to this. And that is honestly me. I mean, I look at some girls who have done "this" in such a decided fashion. But when I am honest with myself, that's not me. And because that's not me, if I am to do this, I want to come out the other side as ME. That's important. I desire to be authentic. I readily point out my own flaws, and try to own them as an effort to embrace my own authenticity.

So, yes, I am on the "passive approach" to this journey. I'm not taking the world by storm, but I am trying to change my world. And like I said, I don't really know how this is going to turn out. So, for me, it has been somewhat agonizing. Probably why it's called an Identity Crisis or Conflict. I feel that Conflict. It's palpable. I am truly neither one nor the other. Somehow I am both. And that's the hardest part to comes to terms with and to reconcile. And in my own desire to be authentic, I feel that I need to "own" both sides of who I am.

Very confusing to say the least. Some days I feel a great peace at the future that I see. Some days I desire to embrace that future, and hasten that arrival. Other days, I am scared. Scared of what I might lose, of how I might be "deluding" myself.

I know this much: I can't live entirely male. I have tried it, and something is incredibly and painfully lacking. I ache for a more substantial and complete way of expressing who I am. And while I have never lived entirely as a female, I wonder if there are things that I will miss about being male. I wonder if in seeking that mode of expression I may not inadvertantly lose ways of expression that I require to be authentic.

So, where does that leave me? Right where I am, I guess. I am on a path. And I am moving forward. And the steps that I have taken today feel right. The direction feels right. And I still feel "myself". Perhaps that is why, for me, the slower mode of travel on this journey is essential.

And I get a sense in all of this, my greatest need at the moment is to discover the peace that I need to accept those things in my life which I cannot change. And, I think I am getting there.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Coming Home

I started to write an entry earlier today, but I "binned" it, cos it felt like it wasn't going anywhere.

Soooo .... we went to Sydney this weekend. It was an amazing trip. We saw George Michael, which has been a life long dream for Giselle!! And I loved being there with her in that. Always fun to see someone realise something so significant. And we spent time travelling around Sydney, seeing old haunts, places that conjure up memories. We went to the Rocks, and to Circular Quay, and to Darling Harbour, and Bondi Beach. We took a ferry ride to Manly too. And we tried to see the Mardi Gras Parade, but weren't really successful. I mean we saw it, and we were "a part of the crowd", but disappointingly, the "crowd" was very "straight", and while there's nothing wrong with that in particular, it kinda kills the whole "festival spirit", especially when that is what you are looking for. And that IS what we were looking for, and didn't find it. But we did manage to get some pics, and experience Sydney city by night (something that was both exciting and scary).

We would love to go back. I was in "drab mode", or Dave mode, or "boring mode", but in saying that, I think I got mistaken quite a few times as a girl. Which was very NICE!! :o)

Going "home" or going "back" can have it's mixed experiences and emotions. I lived in Sydney 21 years ago, and when we went this weekend, we happened to stay in the same house that I had lived in those 21 years ago. Twenty one years ago, I was returning from Canada, I was starting university again, I was lonely, I kinda had a girlfriend back in Canada but I think that was actually just a desperate attempt to not want to let go of Canada, I thought that maybe God was calling me into the ministry, and I was struggling with being TG, something that I had no label for, nor did I understand exactly what that meant for me. The only thing I was sure of, was that I should be able to overcome it.

I went back this weekend, and things were different. Obviously, I am older. I never finished that university degree, and often wonder about that. I am in touch with that girl on Facebook, that I was "kinda" in a relationship with when I left Canada. And to be honest, I still wonder what I was doing trying to be in a relationship with her. We didn't have a lot in common. Actually we had very little in common. But alas, if love is blind, then desperation is not only blind, but stupid as well! I don't believe that being in any kind of "ministry" is for me, and often wonder how I have disqualified myself from that. And to be honest, it's not a even all that significant from my perspective. I don't think about it every day. I guess there was a time when I did, but not any more. I think I was just being incredibly naive. And as for being TG? Well, I am no longer sure that I can "overcome" this. I will always have a sense of dysphoria, I just wonder what the most responsible way is to "manage" that.

When I came back to Australia, I wasn't even 21 years old, now 21 years have passed. And one incredible difference was that I was in Sydney this weekend with someone who actually sees me. And while I do struggle with things still, and have my own regrets, when I look at this person, I feel like I am home.