Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Looking ahead

Let me say firstly, that I could never have imagined my transition going better than it has.  Other than somehow winning 10 million dollars.  Yeah I know, not really anything to do with transition.  But wow, the past couple of weeks have been difficult “transition wise”.  It’s getting down to the pointy end of business I guess.  In other words, surgery.  Which is interesting, because I had no idea that I would find this part so difficult.  And I can’t in truth understand why I am having such an emotional reaction to this.  I always knew it was something that I had “shelved” in my mind.  If I can put something off till later I usually do.  I am the epitome of a procrastinator.

But now, I am looking down a path that brings this milestone very clearly into view.  The tentative date being less than 100 days away.  And yet I want this.  I don’t understand my reaction to this.  It is throwing me.  The butterflies in my tummy are something that I can’t seem to switch off to.  And then having had my final consultation with the psychiatrist at the Monash Gender Centre in Melbourne and receiving his letter of recommendation for surgery to Dr Andrew Ives.  And now having on board all the information, the warnings, the disclaimers, the preparations, what can go wrong from Dr Ives I am, in a word, overwhelmed.  Completely overwhelmed.  Dr Ives, by the way, is a lovely man and by all accounts a very good surgeon. 

I am just overwhelmed.  I hope that I can get my head above water at some point as I begin the countdown.  I think I will.  These are just the initial reactions that I am experiencing.  And I am scared.