Coming Home

I started to write an entry earlier today, but I "binned" it, cos it felt like it wasn't going anywhere.

Soooo .... we went to Sydney this weekend. It was an amazing trip. We saw George Michael, which has been a life long dream for Giselle!! And I loved being there with her in that. Always fun to see someone realise something so significant. And we spent time travelling around Sydney, seeing old haunts, places that conjure up memories. We went to the Rocks, and to Circular Quay, and to Darling Harbour, and Bondi Beach. We took a ferry ride to Manly too. And we tried to see the Mardi Gras Parade, but weren't really successful. I mean we saw it, and we were "a part of the crowd", but disappointingly, the "crowd" was very "straight", and while there's nothing wrong with that in particular, it kinda kills the whole "festival spirit", especially when that is what you are looking for. And that IS what we were looking for, and didn't find it. But we did manage to get some pics, and experience Sydney city by night (something that was both exciting and scary).

We would love to go back. I was in "drab mode", or Dave mode, or "boring mode", but in saying that, I think I got mistaken quite a few times as a girl. Which was very NICE!! :o)

Going "home" or going "back" can have it's mixed experiences and emotions. I lived in Sydney 21 years ago, and when we went this weekend, we happened to stay in the same house that I had lived in those 21 years ago. Twenty one years ago, I was returning from Canada, I was starting university again, I was lonely, I kinda had a girlfriend back in Canada but I think that was actually just a desperate attempt to not want to let go of Canada, I thought that maybe God was calling me into the ministry, and I was struggling with being TG, something that I had no label for, nor did I understand exactly what that meant for me. The only thing I was sure of, was that I should be able to overcome it.

I went back this weekend, and things were different. Obviously, I am older. I never finished that university degree, and often wonder about that. I am in touch with that girl on Facebook, that I was "kinda" in a relationship with when I left Canada. And to be honest, I still wonder what I was doing trying to be in a relationship with her. We didn't have a lot in common. Actually we had very little in common. But alas, if love is blind, then desperation is not only blind, but stupid as well! I don't believe that being in any kind of "ministry" is for me, and often wonder how I have disqualified myself from that. And to be honest, it's not a even all that significant from my perspective. I don't think about it every day. I guess there was a time when I did, but not any more. I think I was just being incredibly naive. And as for being TG? Well, I am no longer sure that I can "overcome" this. I will always have a sense of dysphoria, I just wonder what the most responsible way is to "manage" that.

When I came back to Australia, I wasn't even 21 years old, now 21 years have passed. And one incredible difference was that I was in Sydney this weekend with someone who actually sees me. And while I do struggle with things still, and have my own regrets, when I look at this person, I feel like I am home.