Searching for Peace

I have realized something over the last few days. The thing is, I don't know where this journey of mine is going to end up. I really can't say for sure. I could end up transitioning, I mean I am heading in that direction. I have been on hormones for quite some time, and I have been under psych supervision for, wow, just over 4 years. So that is significant. And yet, I still don't know.

In case anyone reading this is wondering, yes, I am taking the more passive approach to this. And that is honestly me. I mean, I look at some girls who have done "this" in such a decided fashion. But when I am honest with myself, that's not me. And because that's not me, if I am to do this, I want to come out the other side as ME. That's important. I desire to be authentic. I readily point out my own flaws, and try to own them as an effort to embrace my own authenticity.

So, yes, I am on the "passive approach" to this journey. I'm not taking the world by storm, but I am trying to change my world. And like I said, I don't really know how this is going to turn out. So, for me, it has been somewhat agonizing. Probably why it's called an Identity Crisis or Conflict. I feel that Conflict. It's palpable. I am truly neither one nor the other. Somehow I am both. And that's the hardest part to comes to terms with and to reconcile. And in my own desire to be authentic, I feel that I need to "own" both sides of who I am.

Very confusing to say the least. Some days I feel a great peace at the future that I see. Some days I desire to embrace that future, and hasten that arrival. Other days, I am scared. Scared of what I might lose, of how I might be "deluding" myself.

I know this much: I can't live entirely male. I have tried it, and something is incredibly and painfully lacking. I ache for a more substantial and complete way of expressing who I am. And while I have never lived entirely as a female, I wonder if there are things that I will miss about being male. I wonder if in seeking that mode of expression I may not inadvertantly lose ways of expression that I require to be authentic.

So, where does that leave me? Right where I am, I guess. I am on a path. And I am moving forward. And the steps that I have taken today feel right. The direction feels right. And I still feel "myself". Perhaps that is why, for me, the slower mode of travel on this journey is essential.

And I get a sense in all of this, my greatest need at the moment is to discover the peace that I need to accept those things in my life which I cannot change. And, I think I am getting there.