Transform

It’s interesting for me to take a step back and look at my process.  I have a fear of asking for help.  I need to ask for help, but more often than not, I’m afraid of a few things.  One, I am afraid of asking the wrong questions.  Two, I am afraid of asking the wrong people. 

I think what that means is I am afraid of failure.  But in the process I have made myself unwilling to ask others for help for fear of failure.  There have been times in my life where I have “made a mess” as it work as I was working a process only to have that process evolve into something that does work.  And I love that feeling.  I love feeling accomplished.  Of getting my hands dirty and making something out of the “mess” as it were.  But I’m initially afraid of that “dirt”.  So what do I do?  How do I “step out” and make that mess while dealing with my own fears of failure? 

I also feel like there are times in my life where I really get “bogged down” in issues that just never seem to get resolved.  I’m not sure what that is about.  I think another thing that I fear is “momentum”.  When I have momentum with good habits, I feel like I can face a lot of different things and just “work it out”.  But when I lack momentum, my motivation is not far behind. 

I would like things to change in my life.  I would like to transform in this next year.  Perhaps that will be my word for next year:  Transform.  I get that is somewhat ironic because I have done a lot of that lately.  This would be different though.  This would be about changes to not just me in my identity, but changes to me.  After all, I’m not sure that I have really actually changed much except my outer “skin”.  I want to change the inside which is a lot harder.