You will not escape this

I have been watching a few people on Youtube over the last week.  And when I say people, I mean trans people that are making VLOGs.  I have always been drawn to other people’s stories.  Their journeys.

I would like to say that I have been diligent in recording my story, but I haven’t.  I mean it’s pretty much all up in my head.  I haven’t forgotten the steps I have taken, but then I haven’t recorded them either. 

Anyway, I was thinking what are the aspects of other people’s journeys that I have found the most inspiring and the most informative?  Because that’s what I would like to “give back” if I can. 

And that’s what I want for my story.  I want it to be a source of inspiration.  Not necessarily the glitz or the glamour of it all, but the everyday aspects of being full time and the little surprises that come my way so often.  All of those things that make me realise this is the best thing that I can be doing right now.

So, I am going to try and add a few observations that I have made over the last 9 months or so about who I am and where I am at as a transsexual person.

What would it have taken for me to do this earlier?  Good question.  I’m almost 44.  I think every one of us deals with this one.  Wish that we had done it earlier.  For me, so many things held me back.  Mostly it was my fear and my sense of responsibility.  I felt responsible to everyone around me to stay as a male. 

But what would have caused me to do this much earlier?  Why did I wait for as long as I have?  I believe there is a time.  There is a season.  Things just seem to happen in their time.  I realised tho, that I could have done this a lot earlier.  But what would that have taken?  It would have taken for someone to have come to me, knowing what I was thinking and feeling, and said to me essentially “You will have to do something about this at some point in your life.  You will not escape this.” 

I never knew you

Sometimes I think I am soo timid and shy.  Maybe I thought that I would be more bold after doing this whole “transition” thing.  But the truth is, I’m not.  I’m still me.  And I am finding that is the case for pretty much everything about me.  Has transition changed me?  On the surface, yes it has, but not in who I am intrinsically.

I relate to people differently now, because I am being more of who I feel like I really am.  And that is a breath of fresh air.  Sometimes I used to feel a burden because I was aware of how I wasn’t being “real” with people.  I think that stems back to my desire to be authentic. 

I wonder if I could gather everyone that is a part of my life and was a part of my life, what they would say to that statement:  My desire is to be authentic.  What kind of reaction would that elicit from people.  Like my ex?  Would she agree or disagree?  I imagine she would disagree.  And my mum and dad.  I would think that they would disagree too.  They would probably believe that they knew the “real me”.  Almost like a sense of ownership.  And maybe that’s it.  Does our perception of who someone is, give us a sense of ownership with that person. 

“They are my friend.  “They are my son”.  “I know who they are.”  Can we just let someone be “who they are” without taking a sense of ownership in that knowledge?

Time for another Post??

Time for another post??  Maybe it is.  It's almost been a year since I have posted.  Since my last couple of vlogs, a bit has happened.  I have gone full-time.  I did that late last year.  Well, I got the wheels turning a lot faster.  And I started work as Cindy on January 9th, 2012.  Yay.  

And I can say it has felt so incredibly and wonderfully and breathtakingly and earth shatteringly normal.  Nuff said really.  Maybe that's why I haven't posted.  Which isn't a great reason, but it is a reason.  I have just been chugging along, doing my thing.  Just like the "little engine that could".  And it feels right.

Was I scared.  OH Hell Yeah.  I remember leading up to "D-Day" at work, I was like "Okay I'm going to try not to think about this too much, because if I do, I'm going to come undone".  Nerves can be a horrible thing.  So I didn't try to imagine what it would feel like to drive to work that first day, or what it would feel like to walk from the car to the building where I work.  Or what I would say as I walked into my office.  Hmm.  "That's right beeatches … I'm here."  NO … I didn't do that.  I tried really hard not to think about it.  

The day before, I went to get my ears pierced … and that was nice.  And a little painful.  Yes, I am a sook when it comes to pain.  But i did it.  And I went to work.  And I walked from my car to my desk.  And as I walked into the office, people were like "wow" … I remember one of my male colleagues saying "Wow, I didn't think you would look that good."  A female colleague quickly replied to him "Of course she would!!  I had no doubt."  Shucks.  Thanks Helen!!

Hmm … other highlights from this year gone so far.  I have enjoyed the little things.  Like I have so many more female friends at work now.  And we chat in the kitchen or at each others' desks.  It's amazing!!!  I love it.  I even had a colleague call me because of a technical issue saying "I know I can count on you Cindy, because it takes a woman to fix these things!"  She then offered me a job in her team.  

I have had my manager ask me if I am getting any inappropriate responses from the guys I work with, and I was like "what like harassment?"  He was like, "No, I mean male - female attraction type attention"  He then mentioned one of the guys I work with and said how he thinks he might have a thing for me.  I just replied "Ahh NO, he's just a nice guy and he talks to me!"

I am seeing my psych tomorrow … I so enjoy my appointments with her.  She has become such an integral part of my life.  I get that I don't see her often, but when I do, I really value her.  In December of this year, on the 20th, I will have been seeing her for 7 years.  She commented to me just recently, that my journey has been "exquisitely slow".  I just smiled.  Indeed it has.  

My boys have been amazing too.  THey are seeing a psychologist that my ex takes them to.  I visited with her so that she could gain more perspective about where the boys are at.  When I met with her, she commented how fortunate the boys are to have me and Giselle in their lives and how much they love us.  I was blown away.  I am so glad.  It's great to get that feedback for sure.

And that brings me to the most amazing part of this journey since I last updated (and for that matter since almost 20 years ago since we first met) ... my Darling Giselle.  She has been with me through every step of this journey, especially over the last nine months.  And she has been my strength and courage when I was sure I didn't have any.  She is the one that has helped me feel normal, and for that I am forever grateful.  I am so into her, she is every thing to me.  I love my Darling.  Thank you for holding my hand through every step, for getting your ears pierced a second time so I could have my bestie with me, and thank you for being my style guru, picking out my outfits, and making everything look amazing.  I love you!!!!!!!! xo

VLOG - A bit more about me

VLOG - Just a little about me

The Idea of Community

We saw Phil (counsellor) last night. It was nice to be able to talk to him. He is such a gentle soul. I love that in a counsellor. Sometimes I wonder, though, if I don't give "counsellors" something to hold onto. I am so concerned about "being right" and saying the right things. Am I living them as well? And to that I have no answer. I don't know.

I spoke a bit about Mum last night, and how I used to look at my phone and wonder if I would ever get the time back after talking to her. Horrible thoughts, and things that I regret doing and saying now. It's sad the amount of regret that is present when someone goes. Especially so suddenly.

Sometimes I wonder about the benefit of writing like this. I mean, it's like a trail of bread crumbs that is never followed again. For something like this to work, I would think that it has to be somewhat circular. There has to be a "coming back" to things written, to contemplate and possibly to measure. I don't know. It's times like these that I am aware that I don't know what I am doing. I feel a bit "rudderless" I guess. I don't have any clear direction. And I am a little worried that I might take the wrong direction. Perhaps that's where faith comes into it. Would God seriously let me travel down the wrong path? Good question!

I like the idea of community. I am not sure how long exactly I have liked this idea, but something about it just really resonates within me. Having said that, community is rare. That is my experience. Things about our lives bring us together, and pull us apart. That seems inevitable. What do I like about the concept of community? I think I like the safety that it provides. I like me my safety! Perhaps that is truly a flow-on from me being transexual. I am sure that has something to do with it. Having a condition like that, makes it hard to feel safe. Well, safe and known. I mean I do have some control over being safe ... I just don't be myself. But when I am myself, I am not safe. Not completely safe. And I don't mean that there are physical threats to my well-being at my doorstep. I know I could go looking for it, though. It's out there. I am reminded just this week of the attack that the McDonalds in Baltimore where a TG girl was attacked. It's not safe.

Community somehow means safety for me. Safety in being me. I need to be me. I can't be anyone else. And that's not a preference so much as it is an observation. It is my experience. I know that I can't be someone that I am not. I have tried it, but it never ends well. And the older that I get, the more I realize that. The energy and strength that it takes for me to resist being me is continually rising it would seem. Either that or I am just getting tired.

Mum is gone, but not forgotten

So it's Wednesday, and it's about 10 days since Mum's service, and over 2 weeks since she passed away. I really don't know what to think to be honest, or how to feel. I feel like I want to "get a better hold" of my thoughts and feelings. My thoughts ramble ... I wish that I could capture them better. Maybe this might work.

Hebrews 11:13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.

I wish I knew what to think. Mum's passing was so sudden. My mind is struggling with the idea that this was her time, and also thinking that she was too young to go, and should still be here.
The night after her service, or actually early the next morning, I awoke and found that a part of my pillow was damp. I felt my face and wondered had I been crying, or dribbling. There was no moisture on my face at all. I got up and went to the toilet. As I was returning to my bed, I glanced at the clock on the microwave and the time was 4:12am. April 12 was the day that Mum had passed from this world. I returned to bed and thought about this, and wondered had Mum somehow come to me in my sleep? Was she crying for me, knowing and possibly finally getting who I am?

Am I lacking peace about this, about Mum's death? I have cried for her, and I get that I am sure there will be more tears for her. How could there not be? And that thought doesn't worry me. I expect that to be the case. That said, I don't understand what has happened. I can't find peace about it. I know that she is with God, and that makes sense. I know that she is truly in a better place, and that also makes sense. It just hurts. And I feel sad. I feel loss. My heart is heavy. That is what I am feeling.